There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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