I think im going to throw up on grandma
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
