I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize