I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
