the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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