brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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