I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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