wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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