kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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