She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
