He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You need Xanax blowdarts
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
