somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
