Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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