Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
