Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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