your parents love me but you hate me
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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