I will die if light touches me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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