He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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