Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
