Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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