i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I could fuck to npr.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
