Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
