I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
