i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
