We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
