The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
