Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
