My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize