No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
