Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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