good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
