I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
