God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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