Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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