does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
