Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
