dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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