i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
