trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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