Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
