Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
