i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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