I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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