So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
