Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize