Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
