i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
