Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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