i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it's like iHOP with fire
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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