We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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