My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize