That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
