Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
