i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
