ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
