Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
