I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
