remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize