Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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