I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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